Waiting

07.26.17

I feel like I’m constantly waiting for something – like I keep making excuses to not be doing the things that I’m meant to do. “I have to find another job first,” or “I need more spare time,” or “I need the right equipment” when every speck of sunshine is just waiting for me to reach out and take it.

But I guess I’ve always loved the night.

All those sleepy hour, moonlit walks with my headphones in my ears and some melancholy song coursing its way through my reveries. I’ve always had a penchant for melodrama - I’ve always wanted to play the part of the tortured visionary, shackled and waiting for forces beyond his control to grant him every wish and pave a golden road. Teary-eyed and hopeful, but resigned to the current state of things – the “this too shall pass” stage of life. But it never passes. And it won’t. It’s not an active thing. I must do the passing. 

But I see myself in ruins already, past the greener pastures and on to barren fields. Some people tell me I don’t think far ahead enough, but I think my problem is I look too far. By the end of it, what will I have? All the money and fame in the world won’t mean a thing, and love is something I can’t force to show up. 

I’m waiting for something nobody knows I’m waiting for.

These earthly things don’t interest me – I want something transcendent. 

I want to go beyond.

But maybe the temporary pleasures are enough. Maybe those are what I should be working towards.

I whisper things to myself at night, trying to reclaim a sense of self-worth that I feel like I’ve lost in recent months – it fell out of my pocket into a crack in the sidewalk and didn’t even make enough noise for me to notice.

What have I done worth doing yet? Where do I go from here?

The big questions exhaust me. They make me want to stay bundled in bed, with an illusion of security and warmth. I’m overwhelmed by everything I could be, and disappointed in my unwillingness to become them. 

I admire people with drive and ambition – sometimes I wish I could be like that.

But there’s so much going on in the corners, and I keeping peering around, forgetting to look forward.

I don’t know what I want.

I don’t even know what I’m saying.

But I feel like for now, having said anything is enough.